Astronaut4: Trust issues

"... even if I cherish it, and even if I love you." Crowley drew in a wheezing breath. The fact that he was on the verge of tears disturbed him to no end. It disturbed him way more than what he had just said. But hell, the dam had opened, better let it all out. "I just thought that- that maybe it was my turn to be happy", he continued, sobbing and clutching his threaded hand to his chest helplessly. "I should have known it was wishful thinking. This will never change the fact that I wasn't born to be happy. Thinking otherwise was stupid, and- and honestly, I don't think I can do this anymore." His eyes were wet now, just fucking great. "Please. Just slit my throat and end this."

Hanakael's whole face frowned into a pained expression. For the first time, he was not only hoping, but rather convinced that this whole urgency of strengthening their bond had also been because of Crowley's feelings for him, not only because of self-preservation. He laid his hand on Crowley's cheek, and from the way he moved and placed himself over him, once could have thought he was about to slice his throat. Instead, he leaned in to kiss the demon. A desperate, messy kiss.

It would have been messy either way, because Crowley seemed physically incapable to stop hiccuping and almost-sobbing. He let out a whine into the kiss, and for just a second it seemed like he was going to turn away and refuse it. But at that point he was just so hungry for any kind of contact that he just reached for Hanakael's cheeks and cupped them viciously, to pull him even more into that sloppy and desperate kiss.

Hanakarl kept kissing Crowley for a long while, unyil he gasped for air. He then hugged him close. "As long as you love me back, I have no reason to end you. To end us. I'm sorry."

Crowley took deep, shaky breaths, holding onto Hanakael as if he was the only thing keeping him from drowning into his sea of despair. "Promise me. No, swear that you won't leave me", he rasped, face buried in the angel's shoulder. "Please."

Hanakael thought about it for a second. After all, the ritual to strengthen their bond used a good number of the same ingredients as the one he was about to perform... Maybe later.
"I promise you I won't ever leave you again, Crowley. I missed you so much." He rocked a bit back and forth, as if to soothe and reassure him.

Crowley's breathing seemed to slowly get back to a more relaxed, normal pace. His shoulders had stopped trembling too. Finally he took a last, deep breath and slowly embraced Hanakael, lifting his head a bit. He looked... a bit ashamed of his outburst. "I'm sorry", he mumbled. "The blood makes me... overly prone to... feelings."

"It's okay," Hanakael replied with a soft smile. "At least it... helped you to tell me what I needed to hear. I should have told you specifically about it." He ran a hand through Crowley's hair, and looked back at him.

Crowley threw him an uncertain smile. "Maybe you failed to notice, but demons usually don't really talk about that. Prompted or unprompted. Meaning, I probably wouldn't have told you even if you had asked with that pretty face of yours." He sighed, burying his fingers in Hanakael's hair himself. "I'll have to... do a little rehab operation before I'll be able to get back being my brilliant, handsome self." He chuckled, and looked at the angel, hopeful. "Will you stay?"

Hanakael nodded slightly. "I will. And I will help you to go back to your brilliant, handsome self, if you'll allow me." He offered him a gentle, loving smile.

Crowley sighed. "I imagine that couldn't hurt me more than I already did", he observed sourly, critically looking at his own disheveled state as if he had just now noticed. Damn he was a mess. "Keep me away from that feel-y, disgusting junk", he instructed Hanakael, pointing to the syringes.

Hanakael nodded, and let go of Crowley, to clean the mess of the room. "Is there a bath in here?" He asked him at some point.

Crowley let himself fall back on the pillows, and vaguely gestured towards an half-open door on the left of the room. He hesitated for a bit, then draped an arm over his own eyes. "You should... throw away what's in the fridge", he murmured.

"Is there more blood?" Hanakael's heart tightened a bit at the thought. Just how much blood had he gotten delivered here?

"I told you I was a junkie, didn't I", Crowley answered flatly. "There should be one or two left, tops. After all, I thought I was going to die today." He didn't add anything else. But his voice was clearly laced with a deep shame. And some leftovers of sadness.

Hanakael sighed softly, and looked back at the demon. "I'm sorry. I should have- I shouldn't have cut any means for you to contact me. I thought you couldn't feel any single bit of love for me, and it angered me to no ends."

Crowley waved his hand in Hanakael's general direction, not having the strenght to look directly at him. "Don't take all the blame on yourself, darling. We all know I wasn't exactly the most trustworthy soulmate in town. I can't blame you for having self-respect." He sighed. "And besides, it works both ways. I still know how to pick up a phone, yet I didn't."

Hanakael made a face, but did not answer to that. Instead, he went back near the bed, to kiss Crowley. "I'll pour you a hot bath. It might only do you good."

Crowley finally dropped his arm from his face, allowing Hanakael to kiss him. Then a sly smile made his lips curl, making him actually look like himself for the first time since the angel had stepped into the room. "You know what else could do me good?", he purred, stealing a kiss from Hanakael's mouth. "You. Or better, you in my same bathtub. Possibly naked." Yes, that was definitely a glimpse of himself.

Hanakael held back a smile. "I guess I'll give it a thought." Oh he definitely did. He definitely wanted to fulfill Crowley's need, and it could all be read on his face, oddly enough. He went to pour that hot bath, got rid of the remaining human blood in the kitchen, and then went back to fetch the demon. "Can you stand?"

Crowley sat up, wincing a bit. He had been lying down since... basically as long as he could remember, so he could almost feel his back loudly protesting. "Yes", he answered though, sanding up. He - uselessly - brushed his shirt a bit, grimacing at it as he walked towards Hanakael.

Hanakael offered his support - litterally - and wrapped an arm around Crowley, to help him walk towards the bathroom. "I'll help you undress. But stay quiet," he said, on a tone he hoped a bit menacing. "You are in no shape for anything else than resting tonight."

Crowley feigned a perfectly scandalized expression. "Do you mean you wouldn't take advantage of me in my admittingly vulnerable state? I thought we had something." He chuckled, then hid a cough behind his hand, walking at Hanakael's side while leaning on him. "Don't worry. I can't promise my vessel will behave - but I will. I would never offer an half-hassed performance, and that's literally all I could give in my current situation."

"Why are you talking about performance?" Hanakael couldn't help but smile gently. "I'm not rating you. I have no one to compare you with, after all." Once in the bathroom, he helped Crowley to undress, and even to step into the bathtub.

Crowley kept his smirk to himself. "While it might be true that you were - still are, under certain qualifications - a virgin, and so I will be the only one you get to experience, there is one thing you aren't taking into consideration." He stepped into the bathtub, then sat down, sighing with relief. He looked at Hanakael again. "I am terribly prideful of my skills. And sorry, but offering you anything less than my best is not an option." He sounded particularly serious.